


Lost Child

by Safe



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-03-23
Updated: 2013-03-23
Packaged: 2017-12-06 04:21:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,493
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/731385
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Safe/pseuds/Safe
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Everything shattered once he was gone. He was their rock, their light. They might have won the game, but Rose didn't feel like a winner. Not when there was someone missing.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Lost Child

When Rose exits her room and wanders into her living room, she already knows what she is going to see.

It's the same as it has been for weeks, but each day it is equally as depressing. She wakes to find Dave curled up on her couch, knees pulled to his chest and his glasses ever equipped, and she can't help but feel a pang of guilt each time she sees him. As she should. It might as well have been her doing that put him in this sorry state - she certainly had no one else to blame. She wasn't sure if Dave had heard her, but none the less she leaned herself against the side of her door frame, and simply watched him. It was nice to pretend that, just for a moment, all was right in the world.

"Lalonde, move. Having your gaze on me is like a ton of weights."

She frowns, because she can't help but notice just how tired Dave really sounds. No matter how many hours he lays there, it is like the boy simply cannot find the means to fall asleep. She cannot blame him.

"I apologize. I was simply admiring how normal you look from here."

The clock in her kitchen is shining "12:30," and they both know it's a weak excuse. She half wonders if Dave will buy it, but Rose knows better. He may be run down, but he still had a fully functioning brain. She knew that intimately well.

"Right. Of course. Seriously Rose, why are you even up. Go back to sleep."

"I will when you will."

Rose hears Dave inhale sharply, and he responds, "You know I can't. Just go to sleep already, I don't want to have this discussion."

"I told you, I will when you will. You're the one keeping me up."

"How? I've been perfectly quiet-"

"Strider, I'm sure the neighbors could hear you thinking if they had this ability."

Silence.

She wasn't trying to be mean, but it was true. She could not sleep with Dave's thoughts protruding through her mind. She had tried, but they were starting to make  _her_ anxious, so she knew he had to be feeling it worse. The problem was that she simply did not...know how to deal with situations like this. She was a novice.

"...Do you want to talk about it?"

"What? Rose, we haven't said a word about it since it happened and you let me stay in your apartment."

"I know. Which is why I am questioning it now. Perhaps it is time we stopped pretending that nothing is wrong, and that nothing has changed."

She tries her best to keep her body from making any nervous movements as she watches Dave sit up, and stare at her from behind his glasses. She knows he doesn't want to do this, but she knows that speaking about things generally helps with the healing process. On an intellectual standpoint, she knows that this is the proper course of action.

"Get over here, Lalonde."

And she does. Now that her eyes have fully adapted to the dark, she's able to maneuver her way over to where Dave was sitting, and plop down next to him. She makes a small note that it is still warm from where he was laying, but other then that, she feels as though no other thoughts are her own. All she has echoing in her mind are Dave's thoughts, and she tries her best not to pay attention. It wasn't as though she  _wanted_ to constantly peek into her brother's mind. It just, happened. And she could not ever stop the onslaught of his inner dialogue once it started.

"So you're telling me you want to talk about this."

"Yes."

"What if I say no?"

"You won't. I can see your mind, Strider. I think if you try to keep anything else in, you might implode by the sheer volume of information being piled up as it tries to make its way out."

She notices that she is tapping her finger against her leg, and she instantly stops. Rose has realized that she tends to want to move when she's seeing into other people's minds; it is a nervous habit, like a child who swings their body back and fourth while they get scolded for taking a cookie from the cookie jar. Rose assumes that it is because she knows that it is wrong, and that she is unconsciously waiting to get found out, and then be firmly reprimanded. Dave has never done such a thing, but she still wonders.

Unlike Rose herself, Dave is very still. If it weren't for the slow, rhythmic breaths that she sees him taking, she would assume he was comatose. He always took great care not to move needlessly, so he didn't mess with the 'flow' of things.

She'd hated what that meant, when she'd finally realized it. Dave had time in his head, and it was like full-blown clockwork when she listened in on it. Minutes and seconds and hours coursing through him, a symphony of ticks and clicks and movements that can only be thought of as something to keep him in balance. Dave her told her once that he felt like it was taking over his life, and she had believed him. He could hardly do anything comfortably, with the way he had to always keep things on beat.

Between them, Dave was the person who spoke first.

"Rose, I-"

_I couldn't save him I was too late Why didn't I notice something before Why can't I cry about this Why did I have to be the one to go?_

_There was too much blood there, is he really dead Shit why didn't we address this back in the game while there were re-do's?_

_They should have taken much more precautions I should have been more on top of things Why didn't I think to stop and assess things better?_

_Why am I always a step behind?_

_Fuck, I should have been smarter then this Why am I such an idiot Why couldn't I save him?_

_Rose knew, she noticed, she actually tried to save him Could I have done the same if I was smarter If I was more in tune Did I not care enough?_

_I'm a failure as a friend._

_I'm a failure as a human being_

_I-_

" _Dave,_ for all that is good in the world,  _slow down."_

Rose closed her eyes and inhaled, slowly, and then exhaled as she tried to slow the swarm of thoughts that assaulted her mind. She knew that Dave had really only gotten out two words, and she knew she could not stop him from  _thinking,_ but each time it was just too much to take in. A flurry of disconnected thoughts that came at her from each angle, bleeding together as they tried to fit within her own. She just, needed a moment to think. She was never prepared for it, no matter how many times it happened.

"I can't exactly control my thoughts you know. Fuck."

Rose opens her eyes, and she takes note of how Dave has turned his gaze away from her. She's known him long enough,  _and without hearing his thoughts,_ to know that he's just been internalizing everything. He needs to get this out.

They both do.

"I'm well aware. I apologize for losing my cool there, but I've recovered. Go on."

She's not entirely sure if she even wants to hear this. Dave will probably say things that she  _herself_ doesn't even want to admit, but if it means helping him...

"...You didn't see him, Rose. You didn't  _see him._ With your eyes, not your mind. Physically. Lying there. In. His own blood. Gun in his hand. And the life draining. Out. Of. Him."

Rose long ago noticed that, when Dave felt under pressure or uncomfortable, his words would encompass a strange sort of beat that she'd never been able to track. The way he would phrase his words would change, punctuating on off beats and on sections that she didn't think made sense. A verbal  _tick,_ of sorts. She'd gotten used to it, though it was radically different then the smooth, riding way that he used to speak. She did not bring it up.

"You sent me there. To save him, and, I failed. I wasn't even  _close,_ he was so cold, and I. Just. When I saw him...When, I, saw, him..." She watches him as he bows his head, his body tensing as Rose tentatively slides her hand over his, which he had placed on his lap. "I thought about shooting myself. Right there. Killing myself along with him because John is  _gone,_ Rose. Gone. There's no Heir and there's no Leader and there's no more  _us..."_

And Rose didn't need her powers to see the emotions that were bubbling out from his mind, mental barriers of staying 'cool' and 'calm' being broken down as if announcing the event had opened the floodgates.

And maybe they had.

Dave chokes out a dry sob and she sees no tears, but she leans forward and pulls him to her, carefully, and puts his forehead to her chest. Were this any other time, she would expect him to crack a joke about her breast size or some sexual comment, and for a moment she almost hopes he does, but all she hears is -

_I'm a failure how did I mess this up why is this all so wrong why cant i cry why cant i mourn why isnt he here why am i not okay why am i always okay why is the world still shining what did i do wrong what did i miss why was i blind why cant i go back where are my turn tables where-_

"I can't find-"

"They're gone, Dave," she says, not even letting him complete the statement, because she knows where this is going because it's gone there twenty times before. "They're gone. The game is over. We don't have the luxury of a re-do. This is happening, and we must deal with it. John is dead."

She tries not to let the hollowness in her words show too much, but she would prefer that to her inner sobbing. Rose is glad that Dave cannot hear her thoughts, because her inner script is as bad as his.

She has found herself asking the same questions that he is on many of occasions.

She can feel everything welling up in her chest just above her heart, and it takes every bit of self-restraint to keep herself calm. She ignores the sudden constriction of her airway and the tightness that coils around her being like a thorn, and remains simply placid. One of them needs to remain calm. Someone needs to be the new rock.

If Dave had any idea what was going on, he did not mention it. He simply slid one arm around her and hugged Rose back, and she ignored how his shades were digging into her skin in a way that was just a little bit uncomfortable.

"He's not, going to come back, is he."

She had to take a deep breath before she even thought about answering that, because Rose did not trust her voice in the least. Not now. Not when they were talking about something so...personal. She had no idea what kind of relationship Dave had with John exactly, but she did suspect it was something akin to absolute devotion. If there was one thing that could be said about Dave, it was that he was very loyal. She had learned that he hadn't been able to spend much time out of the house, like Jade, so he got attached to people quite easily.

He idolized John like John idolized Dave.

"...No, I'm afraid he isn't. This is the new perfect world we fought to protect. We simply must learn to live without him."

She heard him make some noise that was probably supposed to be a scoff, but it sounded much more like a sob than anything.

"Perfect? Hell, if that isn't irony then I don't know what is. This was supposed to be our world, Rose.  _Ours._ Me, you, John and Jade's. Why did everything...go so  _wrong."_

Rose doesn't have an answer for this, either. She's finding this to be a common theme lately, and she does not approve of it. She was supposed to be the  _seer._ So why was she left without the critical knowledge she needed?

She doesn't dare even think about the  _light_ part of her title. She would not be able to keep the bitterness out of her voice otherwise, because there was no luck here. None. Perhaps that is why she is so blind.

"It'll be alright," she whispers, because that's the best thing he needs to hear. He needs to know that they will all make it through this, because they must. She will sooner tear herself to shreds before she allows another friend to simply slip through her fingers. Begone to her own feelings; she has a  _gift._ She will use it in any way she can if it means she can keep them safe.

John was a result of her own personal folly, and no one else is to blame. She had seen his thoughts, his apprehension and his suffering, but she had never bothered to factor in the chance that he may travel down the road of self-destruction. She hadn't wanted to believe it, and she had blinded herself to the truth. She had let herself believe his comforting words, and neglected to take his thoughts seriously.  _It's just a phase,_ she had told herself. She let herself be lead by his actions instead of his thoughts, when she knew full well that thoughts influenced actions. She had desperately wanted to believe that when he acted in his usual carefree self, he was being sincere.

She had been selfish. And look where that had landed them. A friend short, and the foundation around them crumbling as thought it was never meant to exist.

"Is Jade still asleep?"

"Yes," she responds with smoothly, her voice quiet and controlled. "I made sure not to rouse her when I ventured out here. From the sound of it, it seems as though she'll be out for the rest of the night."

"Good. We don't need to make this a full-on pity party. Shit's embarrassing as it is."

Rose gives a small, careful chuckle, and Dave pulls away from her as she lets go of him. The moment is gone just as soon as it came, and they soon fall into a comfortable silence. She's not sure if they will ever really be okay, if things will get better, but she has to believe that they will.

If for no one else, then maybe herself.


End file.
